i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
