Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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