I cockslap morals
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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