We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
