If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
