thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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