There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
