You're completely useless in the revolution.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
