the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
