I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
