At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
