last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This is my gift to your gina
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
