I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
