I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
