i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
