God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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