nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
