Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
