So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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