If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you would pick up someone in the library
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
i think i just lost a toe
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
