You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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