everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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