Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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