I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
