He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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