I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
