Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My liver just had a heart attack.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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