it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
