DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
