There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
