So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He shit in the fireplace
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize