I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
