Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
