jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
