i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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