Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
