Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
