Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
