I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
