two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
