Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
