It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
