ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
