Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
