Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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