Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Im part way to drunk.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
