hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
