I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
