What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
