My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
