Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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