I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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