Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
