If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
