im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
