Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
