'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
