awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
